It wasn't long ago that I was lying motionless, in a state I could only describe as "nothingness". I had fallen asleep - peace, joy and love cushioning my heart. I woke up in a hell; a cold silence in numbness just before the dam of my sadness broke. There was no waking up from this bad dream. I was going to have to embrace my reality, long before I would ever understand what I was gaining.
It wasn't long ago I was balled up on the floor of my empty home. I survived the kiss of death to live again and love again. But time flies something fierce, and if you aren't living in each moment like your life depends on it, the life in each moment ceases to live.
The house that was supposed to build the foundations of the dreams that would carry me, with my vows to the end of our lives, was nothing more than a remnant shell. There is a space in pain and emptiness so loud, that even the tears no one hears echo for miles. It's ironic how you can be so oblivious to the things within yourself, that cause a great deal of the chaos that makes you hate yourself.
In thirty days I lost thirty pounds. As long as ten years seems - even faster it is gone. The Dark Night of the Soul had come.
Pain is a surface word to describe the depth at which you sink. You can't fathom the depth to reach the bottom, and you still aren't certain you're there when you arrive.
Why do things have to die?
So new things can come alive.
You see, there is a pain greater than The Dark Night of the Soul. There is the pain of living your life and coming to the end - only to realize you never lived at all.
In every tree, leaf, sunset, raindrop, bird, sound, cloud, feeling, touch, smell, emotion, thought, blessing, tragedy etc - every part of life is a reflection of a story. The story you and I were created to write in our own unique way. By knowing who we are, why we are, who put us here and what for. In the very fabric of life are the clues to what life is all about.
As I reflect back on the moments where I begged for death, I realize how easy dying is, and how difficult living can feel.
Living is no longer the fear. Dying never was. Dying before I live the "all" that I finally realize I am - that is my fear. The price to understand what it takes to type these words, so someone out there can know - there is always hope … there is always love … there is always purpose - no matter how unbearable your Dark Night feels.
You never lose if you learn.
Beauty comes from the ashes that build our dreams - if you hold on no matter what. No matter how thin the thread is that you dangle from.
Without pain we would never know how to be grateful for pleasure. Without loss we would never know how to be grateful for gain. Contrast is what makes love noticeable in a world that is so jaded at times.
If you stumble upon this someday, and you are in the middle of The Dark Night of the Soul, I thought of you when I wrote this.
This is the sign you asked for to prove there is hope. And my friend, I assure you, there is hope.
The life you are longing for is on the other side of this storm. Yes, it does take everything you are to withstand this. Yes, it is beyond what you can bear. But what is hurting you the most, is what you feel you are losing.
Letting go may well be the hardest thing we do as human beings.
But in order to make space for what should be - the best parts of life realized - we have to release or shed the parts that prevent its coming.
This won't change things right now and it won't change how you feel. The Dark Night is survival mode on steroids to be sure. But you can make it - you will make it! And this will all make sense at a time when you realize you are finally living the life you have always wanted to live.