Dear hurt, frustrated and angry women…

Men suck.

Right…?

This is my open letter to you, as one of “those”.

It is a little intimidating to approach this topic, as I am sort of – inviting myself into a world that I have partial understanding of. Though, I will say, I am desperately trying to understand it more. And from your point(s) of view. First and foremost, I want to say that whatever experience(s) you have had, have given you every reason to feel the way you do. In fact, how you feel is your reality. And I respect that.

I am writing this with an assumption – the assumption, that underneath the experience(s) that have left you feeling angry, hurt, frustrated and fed up with the opposite sex – you believe in love, and desire it just as much.

If you have read this far, I (humbly) make one request before you read on; will you set aside your anger, frustration and hurt for now. It will still be where you left it, when you are done reading this. If you have agreed to that much, then I invite you to open your mind and heart to a new perspective. And please be as objective as you like; after all – it is your heart – that is on the line.

Why am I writing this?

Let me “go first” and be the vulnerable one. I will never know what it’s like to live in a woman’s world. But I know what it’s like to be interwoven in it. I don’t know what it feels like to be heartbroken as a woman, or experience emotions and feelings as a woman. Nor do I understand what it’s like to believe someone to be one thing, and end up with something less than desirable – as a woman of course. I will also say, that in the pursuit of love and romance, I have broken hearts, and have been heart shattered. I preface the core of my message with this statement, because I want you to know that I do not perceive to understand the struggles of being “woman”. However, I would like to share some thoughts, that I feel *could* revolutionize the way we pursue this thing called love, with the opposite sex. One that is empowering and not destructive. But to embrace any new idea, one must be willing to let go of old ideas.

When I say the name Bruce Lee, most men would immediately know who I am talking about. If, by chance, you don’t know the name, Bruce Lee was a legendary martial arts teacher. When someone wanted to learn from Bruce Lee, he would ask them what they knew about martial arts, and have them demonstrate some of their skill. He would then sit down with them, pour Coke into one glass, and water into another. He would say “Let the Coke represent what you know about martial arts, and let the water represent what I know. Right now, I cannot teach you martial arts, because there is too much of what you know in your mind, and no room for what I know. But if you let go of what you know, and make room for what I know, I can teach you.” Bruce Lee understood that time is the most valuable resource any of us have. It is the only resource we cannot reproduce. So, let me ask you this question to start:

Are you willing to let go of what you have learned thus far, to make room for something new? Are you done wasting time, doing and feeling the same things, and being disappointed that the results have not changed?

We all empower what we focus on. And where our focus goes, energy flows. For example, think of a specific moment where you were extremely depressed. Say the things you said to yourself in that moment. Do what you did with your body (make your body language depressed). And feel the feelings you felt. Really put yourself in that moment – immerse yourself. If you tried the exercise, are you starting to feel depressed at all? You can try the same exercise with a moment that you felt angry. Better yet, try the exercise again, but this time, think of a time where you felt pure ecstasy. Say the things that you said to yourself in that moment. Make the sounds you made. Feel what you felt. And use the body language or movement you used. Can you feel the difference? What feeling or emotion would you rather focus on and experience? Depression and anger, or ecstasy? We have been led to believe, that our emotional well-being is unconsciously decided for us. Usually by the experiences we have from moment to moment. But the truth is, if we don’t take control of our mind, our mind will assume total control. And under the laws and influence of our mind(s), there are patterns, behaviors and habits that will run on auto-pilot. Dictating life for us, under the illusion of what the mind intellectually has been programmed as “making sense”.

It might make sense to feel justified in being where you are right now. But does that make it true? And does that mean you are powerless in creating other (more) empowering alternatives?

If you didn’t try the exercise, it’s OK – you are already engaging in it. We all do, all the time. Anytime we have an experience, it creates an opportunity for what is called a “key decision”, which is responsible for any given belief. Your experience(s) thus far (with men) have created a belief/expectation for what to expect from them. Even if you don’t consciously see it, or think about it that way, it has been etched into your subconscious mind; which is the part of our being that controls habits (among other things). The reason I spent this much time explaining this concept, is that nothing can change until we change our belief(s) about that “thing”. Remember earlier, I asked you to set aside all your hurt, frustration and anger – that it would still be there if you want it back. Do you want it back? Or would you rather have love? Make that decision now, and if you choose love, please keep reading.

I want to be so clear in saying this:

Your pain, anger and frustration is real. And whatever happened to land you in that position, was a real experience. By no means do I want to be insensitive to that. I do want to give you the opportunity to have something better than pain, anger and frustration however. It is a door to a new world that I want to open, and invite you to explore.

The Hard Part

Not all change is hard, but learning something new and different can be challenging. There is no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to say it:

We are often 50-75% of our own problems.

The hard part is accepting that, and not living in denial. On one hand, life may appear easier, if we could all blame something other than ourselves for our problems and discomfort. But the universal law is this: while we cannot always control what happens to us, we can always choose how we respond to it.

The most empowering choice you will ever make in your life, is choosing to become a Powerful Person. That is someone who refuses to tolerate a low standard of life. It is someone who makes life happen for them, as opposed to thinking life is happening to them. It is not settling for mediocrity, or undeveloped (immature) ways of thinking and living. We were never taught these concepts. Most of us have never practiced (enough), what we didn’t know life was teaching us, to consciously get good at it in a way that serves us for the better. For most of us, that is our emotional intelligence and well-being. Unfortunately, most of us were never taught or confronted about this, as being our responsibility. Unlike paying bills, going to school or getting a job. There are certain responsibilities and expectations that cultural conditioning has taught us, but much it has not.

Owning yourself and changing the way you think is really the essence of what this is about. Especially in the realm of emotional elevation. For this reason, many women keep attracting the same types of men into their lives, and keep having the same outcome(s). Yet, cannot understand why “this keeps happening”. And in turn, assume the common denominator is men.

The Real Reason Why

I don’t want to spend a lot of time talking about feminine and masculine differences, but a part of understanding includes this overlooked puzzle piece. Culture has widely affected (and screwed up) healthy definitions of masculine and feminine energy. Women exist safely and freely in their default setting, which is being in their feminine state. When most women get hurt, the natural tendency is to protect themselves. What that looks like varies from woman to woman. As a man, I’ve seen more hardening with women. More cynicism and skepticism (an observation not a judgment). The “A-typical” signs usually emerge in a more masculine – ass-kicking style. This gets expressed in a lot of ways, and very loudly (such as indirect “man” hating threads on social media for example).

This is the real reason why you keep attracting the wrong type(s) of men:

Like attracts like.

Now before you get angry and say you are nothing like the men who have hurt you – not so fast! Your behavior may be nothing like theirs. But it does not mean you aren’t similar at your core. The outer behavior is just an expression of the inner world. When women become hardened and protective, and remain emotionally wounded, they attract the very men they don’t want. Men that just want to take advantage of them (usually). And if we could pull back the curtain on the inner world(s) of those men, we would likely see similar wounds, hurt, frustrations, anger and lack of compassion or empathy. As they too have concluded that all women cannot be trusted. Yet, the paradox is found in our humanity – men still desire and want women, as women still desire and want men. Or at least the love, connection and significance we provide each other.

Not only does your hardening and protective walls attract the wrong type of men, but you are surrounded by other women who are having the same dilemma, and they too have no resolution for this issue. Which further validates that what you think, feel, and believe about men must be true. And since you all cannot offer each other a solution to the problem, at least you have comfort and connection with each other, in the state of your anger, frustration and pain. You all have something in common. And from your points of view, the cause of the problem is men.

All The Good Guys Are Taken

Have you ever said or thought, “all the good guys are taken”? Or deemed there must be no “good ones” left?

The truth is – that’s not true.

What you didn’t know, is that the kind of man you are looking for, would never go for you.

Before you set out on a witch hunt, hear me out…

Men who do their own inner work, and invest in themselves (their own inner world) learn how to see the difference between a woman’s exterior world, and her inner world. This is where you ladies get it wrong sometimes. I’m not saying it is entirely your fault, in fact – it has more to do with how you have been conditioned through culture. Women live in a world that men will never understand. Culture has objectified and sexualized the image of women so much, that most women (including extremely beautiful women – physically speaking) have great insecurities about their value. As women have been taught, that their value is most directly tied to their physical appearance.

It is no secret that men are more visually stimulated than women. And yes, broken, hurting, frustrated and angry men still have desires and urges. Those men will, at the very least, seek sexual satisfaction with a woman. And that may be the only motive of his pursuit, because he has chosen to live in a powerless position. You can be angry and disgusted by this, but for one, let’s be fair – women want sex too. And two, human beings are just that – human beings. I’m not advocating a low-level behavior from men; that sex being the ultimate motive of leading you on, in hopes that they will get that from you, is OK. But I am saying, if you are going to judge men and sexuality, at least learn to separate the motive from the makeup. Despise the motive. Because yes, you deserve to be pursued for all you truly are. But don't pretend you aren't sexually inclined too, even if you prefer it on your own terms. I understand sexuality in our culture is not fair. If a man sleeps with many women, he is called a stud. If a woman sleeps with many men, she is called a slut. I am saying that quality men aren’t after your lady parts, they are after your heart.

For instance, if you have a bunch of subtle man bashing statements on your social media pages, do you think a good guy is going to approach you? Are you sending a warm, welcoming, vulnerable and healthy message that invites such a person into your life? If your response to that is disgust, resentment or lists of reasons why you feel validated in making those statements – you certainly have the right to. But let me ask you, would you approach a man with interest if you saw the same behavior? Would you gravitate to someone who acts like a victim?

Hear me clearly – there are many women (and men) who have suffered from all sorts of abuse beyond their control. That is not what I am addressing. I am addressing a consensual relationship, where you chose and welcomed a man into your life, and he simply was not what you expected (in one form or another). And as such, left you disappointed, heartbroken and angry.

A good man – a smart man will refuse to put up with, pursue or tolerate that standard. Even if they are initially attracted to you, they will be looking for something meaningful and healthy within you. And ultimately, if you are not – at least in part – on the same level of substance and emotional health, they will not pursue you. A quality guy doesn’t have to reach for your heart, to want to be in your life either.

Here is another important truth to understand about high-quality men; they think you are attractive and have the same sexual desires as low-quality men. The difference is, a high-quality man is just that – a man. Children behave off impulse. They have not matured into self-control or higher understanding. Boys masquerading as men want sex for the sake of sex. High-quality men have no use for “mutual masturbation”. The idea of sex for a high-quality man is mechanical only. If it were the simple mechanics that interested him, he would just “take care of himself”. And avoid all the work, jumping through hoops and potential drama that would be required just to get a woman in bed. A high-quality man would rather make love to a woman for the sake of deep connection. Because he is absolutely in love and enthralled by her. She is worth his pursuit because she has invested in her complete self, not just her exterior shell. She owns herself, and is a Powerful Person. Love making is not the means to an end, of scratching a sexual itch. And sex isn’t the only issue present with low-quality vs. high-quality men. It just happens to be the greatest stereotype men deal with.

A high-quality man searches for a woman who is emotionally intelligent and strong. A feminine woman who is free to feel, but doesn’t allow herself to be entirely jaded by how she feels. Though, she may feel intensely and often, she is still in control of her feelings. And therefor, in control of her actions. She doesn’t make excuses, and she doesn’t play the victim. She doesn’t need walls, and she’s not afraid to be 100% woman, and 100% feminine. Because feminine is beautiful and powerful, and different than masculine on purpose. No matter what cultural conditioning and standards may attempt to pre-define. Of course, quality men are few and far between! Of course, quality men get swept up and married faster than you can blink! Because a high-quality woman, and a high-quality man know how rare each other are. Instead of simply setting high standards, they became the high standard so the other could see that standard in them.

No matter how beautiful your exterior is, or how good your acting skills are (because let’s be real, many try to fake it until they make it) a quality man won’t involve himself in something that is against who, and what he is. And neither should you. Quality men are not impressed by how women flaunt their pain, but how they use it to learn, grow and empower themselves. Because a quality man has done the same himself.

What Will You Do

If you read this entire article, I applaud you. I hope you will leave your pain, frustration and anger where you left it. You don’t really need it, it won’t get you what you want. But what you want, can be yours if you will take possession of yourself. Love is always risk. The amount of fulfillment that is possible for anyone, is directly related to how much uncertainty a person is willing to tolerate. We all want certain love. Unfortunately, love doesn’t work that way, at least not in the beginning. But it is absolutely worth risking for.

If most of us would spend as much time exercising our emotional health, as our physical bodies, we would spare ourselves (and others) a lot of frustration. We are all made up of mental, physical, spiritual and emotional components. But we have been conditioned to value and strengthen two (typically our intellectual and physical sides). When life happens, we blame everything outside of ourselves for the results we are getting, because those other two parts of our being weren’t equally as strong. Yet, we never make the connection between our dilemma and its true cause. We typically fall for the illusion that, the results in our physical realities, are only a result of a physical problem. Not an internal one.

Maybe you totally disagree with all that was written here. If so, I hope you find a way to make better use of your pain, frustration and anger. And just for the record…I have experienced loss, tragedy, death of a loved one, betrayal, and lots of disappointment with the opposite sex. I have made the same mistakes over and over, and could not figure out where the disconnect was. Every answer I have found (so far), I had to go chase down. I am far from perfect, and Lord knows I am a work in progress. And so are you. But make no mistake…treasure is hidden because it’s valuable. That’s why it deserves to be found.

In closing, I would like to simply challenge you, for the next 60 days or so, to get honest with yourself and see if you find any truth to what I have said. Is it possible that you have more to do with your frustration, than men themselves? Is it possible that you are attracting low-quality men who want to take advantage of you, because your inner world is a lot like theirs? Can you change your focus? Could you use all the negative energy you feel now, in a positive way, by reframing it and redirecting it. So that it serves you in a more empowering way? I’m not saying don’t feel your feelings. It is totally OK to feel hurt, angry and frustrated. But living there is another story entirely. Can you choose what and how you will allow circumstances to affect you, even if the experience itself was out of your control?

We can settle for mediocrity, or pay the price for something great. Hope costs us nothing, giving up costs us everything.